i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you will always have a special place in my vag
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
