i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
