im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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