Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
