I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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