Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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