I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
