I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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