Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
