god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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