how can u be prego again
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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