Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
