A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize