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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
They have beer where we have blood.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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