God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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