we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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