he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
