quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize