God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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