While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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