I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
