Got a toothbrush?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
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