I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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