just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish i was in the wii world.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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