Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
