the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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