I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
