I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
