I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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