he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
