they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
