His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
