So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
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