Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
