TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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