im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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