So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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