yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
