just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
