No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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