i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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