He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
