The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
