Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
50% drunk capacity currently
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
