so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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