I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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