So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize