I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
