I'm gonna have a badass scar
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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