I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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