woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
