The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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