I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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