The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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