I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
