So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
