Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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