I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
