is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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