i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just gargled with NyQuil
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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