Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
