still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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